Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
