Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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