this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
