I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
