I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
