im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
