I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
