I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
