fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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