every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
