Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
