Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
