We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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