margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
