I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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