Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
