Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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