Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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