I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
