every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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