before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
