woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
