someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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