I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
