hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
