doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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