I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
