I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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