My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
