I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
whose parrot is this?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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