We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize