I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
