Pregnant stripper...not hot.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
then he tried to convert me to islam
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
