I bet he comes in French.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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