He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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