NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
