turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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