Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
im holly from the hills drunk
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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