It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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