I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
