Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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