I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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