Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
