the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
