I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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