she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
