Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
