Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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