you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
