i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
