I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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