I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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