this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have already put on my inside pants.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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