She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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