i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
