ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
