It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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