Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
