Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
