shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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