it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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