my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
