I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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