I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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