Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
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